Perhaps you grew up believing that if you were loving and gentle with yourself, you were being selfish or self-centred. So you learned to be hard on yourself and to have high expectations of yourself (often leading to perfectionism). Perhaps it is even difficult to consider your own needs as legitimate and deserving attention.

However, in my experience as a counsellor, it just isn’t true that being gentle with yourself equals being selfish. I see many people who are very hard on themselves, and in general they either end up very depressed or else they feel angry and frustrated with life. I believe that just the opposite is true: the more you are able to be compassionate and gentle with yourself, the more you will be able to offer love and compassion to others.

Why is this true? Shouldn’t you figure out how to be selfless and generous?

One of the things I believe about life is that you are not able to offer to others that which you have not experienced yourself. For example, a teacher cannot teach students a concept that he does not understand himself. A coach cannot ask her athletes to train for a sport that she has not trained for and mastered for herself.

The deepest and most significant learning available to you is something you have experienced and learned, not just intellectually, but also emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This means that the emotional healing that is most powerful to you on your journey is healing that allows you to experience a newfound peace and compassion towards yourself.

As your inner experience of compassion and acceptance changes you, you begin to feel whole and renewed. From this place of wholeness, your love and your hope are able to grow and be free. You then find that you are able to reach out to others and offer them compassion in a way that is free and respectful.

Can you make a new commitment to yourself, that you will try to treat yourself with compassion, taking time to listen to your heart and seeking to understand your struggles and fears in a new way? If you have the courage to say “yes”, then this is the beginning of a new and exciting journey of loving yourself that is full of love, freedom, and wonderful surprises along the way.

“At the end of the day, love and compassion will win.”
~ Terry Waite

I hope you enjoy reading some of the topics I am writing about, and I hope this blog is a source of inspiration and support in your journey. I welcome any comments or questions you may have.

In the healing journey, a very important tool to help us along the way is the practice of grounding. Grounding is being present in the moment, being aware of our bodies, and connecting to the concrete world around us. It usually involves switching awareness from the racing, worrying, planning of our minds, to awareness of our physical bodies residing in a physical world. This shift of awareness can help us gain perspective, calm, and peace. I like to think of grounding as having an anchor in my boat, so that when the winds or the storm blow, I can find a sheltered place to drop anchor and safely weather the storm.

Do you experience unending chatter in your head? Inner voices that are critical, second guessing, ready to react, trying to control the situation or blaming yourself or others? This is when the practice of grounding can help you. It is about becoming aware that the over-thinking, over-processing in your head is usually very disconnected from what is happening in your body. Sometimes it means not being able to fall asleep, even though we are exhausted, because we don’t know how to shut off the anxiety in our minds. Our bodies need time to stop, relax, focus and regroup, so that we can handle the stresses and demands of life.

If the practice of grounding is not familiar to you, it may take some time and practice to learn how to do it. Or you may find that once you take the time it is not very difficult. The challenge is to practice focusing your attention in a way that is intentional and calming.

In healthy childhood development, we learn to self-soothe – to calm ourselves down when we are upset. If our parents were aware of our distress as children, they could help us take a deep breath, be aware of how we were feeling, and find ways to feel safe and not so overwhelmed by our situation. Then growing up we could internalize these skills, so that we had successfully learned how to manage difficult situations and calm ourselves down when we needed to. However, if we grew up in an abusive household, or if our parents did not have good skills to help us feel safe, we may have felt that pain and emotions were too overwhelming to manage, and so we cut ourselves off from feeling our pain and our emotions. As adults we never learned how to manage the stresses and challenges of life, and we still feel totally overwhelmed and distressed when times are hard.

It is important in our healing to learn that as adults we have resources and skills that were not available to us when we were children. It is not too late to learn how to calm ourselves down and soothe ourselves when life is challenging. This ability to ground ourselves – to find shelter and safety in a storm – is an important resource to develop so that we do not feel so much at the mercy of bad things that may happen to us.

So you ask, how do I learn grounding skills? How do I learn to calm myself down when I am upset? The best place to start is to focus on your senses.

Grounding practice:

Start by asking yourself, on a scale of 0 to 10 – 0 being no distress or neutral and 10 being the highest distress you can imagine – where you would rate yourself right at this moment.

Try to sit quietly in a chair or lie down and notice your breathing. Take at least 3 deep breaths, trying to slow your breathing down with each breath. Notice your feet on the floor, your body in your chair or the surface you are lying on. Can you feel the ground? Now, take time with each of your senses to notice what is around you: what you hear, what you smell, what you see, any physical sensations (a soft blanket, a rough carpet, a hard surface, an ache in your body, etc), notice the temperature, notice where you are holding any anxiety in your body. You may find that just being aware and noticing your physical body and the physical world around you helps you feel calmer already. If not, see if you can try to relax your muscles by first tensing and then releasing muscles throughout your body, starting with your toes and working your way up to your head. Now, rate yourself again using the same scale as above, and notice if you feel calmer now than before you started this grounding exercise.

What are other ways to ground yourself that you can experiment with? Everyone is different, so it is important that you can figure out what works best for you when you are upset. Some people find listening to music helps them to feel calm. Some people like to work in the garden or do something with their hands, such as kneading bread or knitting. Working with clay or paints can help you. Building a structure with lego, doing yoga or tai chi, playing with a pet, or having a warm bath might work better for you.

Whatever it is that works for you, the goal is to find something that shifts your focus away from that which is distressing towards something that brings calm and comfort and helps you feel rested and refreshed. As you get better at grounding yourself and soothing yourself when you feel distressed, you will feel more able to deal with the challenges and the stresses that life brings you. You will know that you have resources and tools to help you when the wind rises up and the storm begins to blow.

“… without darkness
Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers.”
- May Sarton

“Self-Worth: The Source of Personal Energy”

Good human relations and appropriate and loving behavior stem from persons who have strong feelings of self-worth. Simply stated, persons who love and value themselves are able to love and value others and treat reality appropriately. Having a strong sense of self-worth is the way to become more fully human, to having health and happiness, gaining and maintaining satisfying relationships, and being appropriate, effective, and responsible.

When one cares for oneself, one will not do anything to injure, degrade, humiliate, or otherwise destroy oneself or another, and will not hold others responsible for one’s actions. For example, people who care for themselves would not abuse themselves through the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco or allow themselves to be physically or emotionally abused by others. People who care for themselves would not violate their relationships to others through violence.

Those who do not love themselves can easily become instruments of hate and destruction by unscrupulous people. They essentially give away their power, which often leads to emotional slavery. Perpetual placating exemplifies this.

The stronger one’s self-worth, the easier it is to have and maintain the courage to change one’s behavior. The more one values oneself, the less one demands from others. The less one demands from others, the more one can feel trust. The more one trusts oneself and others, the more one can love. The more one loves others, the less one fears them. The more one builds with them, the more one can know them. The more one knows another, the greater is one’s bond and bridge with them. Self-worth behavior will thus help end the isolation and alienation between persons, groups, and nations today.

“Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world.”

~ Margaret Laurence

It can be very painful when a relationship that was important to you ends. Perhaps you feel angry, betrayed, scared, frustrated, misunderstood, or sad. The pain often feels very intense. It may be accompanied by self-doubt, questioning, depression or anxiety. When you are feeling the pain, you might withdraw – or you might desperately search for someone else who can fill the gaping wound that seems to take over everything in your life.

Please remember that when trust has been broken, it takes time to heal. Give yourself time and space to grieve, to feel the loss and the pain and the anger. Healing cannot happen overnight, and the pain cannot be swept under the carpet. If you try to ignore it or deny it, it will surface in unexpected ways or unexpected places. Find safe places and safe people who are able to understand and respect your feelings and your pain. It takes time and compassion to regain your balance and move into a place of acceptance and peace.

How can you restore a positive sense of self after everything you have been through?

How do you regain your confidence and inner strength, so you can move on and trust someone else?

I have met many people who think of trust as an “all or nothing” proposition. Either I trust someone or I don’t trust them, right? While this may sound sensible, this way of thinking actually makes us more vulnerable. Healthy trust is built over time. Healthy trust needs time to grow and be “tested”. If we just give trust to someone without them earning it, we are giving away our personal power. We are no longer listening to our inner voice, the part that is watching out for us and working very hard to keep us safe.

It takes time to get to know another person. Are their actions consistent with their words? Do they follow through and do the things they say they will do? Are they able to take responsibility for their own actions? Are they willing to talk about conflict and about differences? Are they open to hear and consider others’ point of view? You need to be willing to take the time to listen, to pay attention to what your inner voice is telling you. Instead of “all or nothing”, you can gently let a relationship unfold, and stay connected to yourself in the process.

The bottom line is that the more you feel good about yourself and trust yourself, the more you will have the tools and the awareness to be in a safe and healthy relationship. The more you trust yourself, the more you can trust others in a healthy and open way. How does this work? It works like this: as you trust yourself, you will pay attention to when you feel safe and when you don’t feel safe. Your safety is no longer dependent on someone else making you feel safe, because you are tuned in to your own signals and your own intuition. You are able to speak out if something doesn’t feel right to you. You acknowledge your fears and concerns in the relationship. And if you do not feel safe, or if you always feel bad about yourself, you take responsibility to leave the relationship, because you know that you deserve positive, healthy relationships. Wow! What a freeing and healing place to live.

It is very possible to move on to healthier, happier and more fulfilling relationships. You will need to work hard to face your anger, your fear and your disappointment, but the results of your work will be so amazing that the journey is definitely worth it. And remember, if you don’t have the support you need to get through it, seek out someone who can help you. Don’t stay alone in the pain and the fear. Reach out and find others who understand and who can help you start on your journey of compassion and self awareness.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. 
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
~ Albert Schweitzer

Have you ever heard someone say, “Counselling is for people who are crazy or weak. You should just be able to get over it and get on with your life.” or “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just forget about what happened?”

In reality, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you are struggling and that you are ready to look at what’s going on. This is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. It shows an openness to change and to move towards health and wholeness. On the other hand, living in denial of your struggles or trying to avoid dealing with the pain takes a lot of emotional energy, and it is exhausting. It can also take a physical toll on you, as there is lots of evidence that emotional stress has negative physical impacts, ranging from poor sleep, reduced immune function, to higher incidence of many illnesses.

You probably also know that your reactions and behaviours can deeply affect those who are close to you: family members, friends, and colleagues. If you are unhappy in your relationships, or if you are often disappointed in others, it is a good sign that something needs to be addressed. Going to counselling and addressing your pain and struggles allows you to create more positive, healthy relationships with those around you.

Sometimes an event or circumstance in your life brings so much stress that you realize your old ways of coping aren’t working anymore. This is a wonderful opportunity to seek out counselling so you can figure out new ways of overcoming obstacles and challenges. The goal is that you come away feeling stronger and more empowered, as well as more peaceful in yourself.

Good counselling is a positive process that fosters good self-esteem, improved self-awareness, and a better ability to communicate with others. It is important that you feel you have a good fit with a counsellor that you are working with. If you have doubts about the counselling relationship, don’t ignore them. Try to check them out with the counsellor, or try to find someone who is a better fit for you. Even if you are dealing with very painful material, you should feel positive about the counselling process and safe to voice any concerns.

If you are thinking about getting counselling, I encourage you to trust your inner voice that is seeking healing and freedom. This is your voice of wisdom from within. You are worth it, and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you.
~ Eileen Caddy

Have you ever stopped and observed the messages you are constantly telling yourself? Are you aware of all the chatter racing around in your head? For most of us this ongoing chatter is not conscious, not in our regular awareness. And yet at some level you are probably aware of it, as this chatter can make relaxation, meditation, and sometimes even falling asleep very difficult.

Sometimes the chatter is practical in nature: “I need to remember to buy milk.” “Don’t forget about your appointment today.” “Did I remember to lock the door?” However, it can also be full of self-examination and self-criticism:  “Why did I say that? They’ll think I’m so stupid.” “I’ll never be as good as so-and-so.” “Nobody ever understands what I’m trying to say. I might as well just give up.”

It’s good practice to pay attention to the content of your inner messages. Are your messages positive and supportive – helping you to succeed, giving you positive support and encouragement?  Or do your inner voices tend to be negative and undermining – preventing you from doing the things you want to do, putting you down, or criticizing you.

One goal of the healing journey is to shift from a place of self-criticism and self-sabotage into an ability to have compassion for yourself and to support yourself. If you can learn to believe in yourself and be gentle with yourself, you will be more open to learn and to grow. You will also be more able to take risks and be creative.

How do you change the inner messages?

1.    The first step to healthy change of your inner messages is awareness. Take time to notice what those messages are telling you and how you feel afterwards. Become aware of the impact of the messages: how do your messages affect you emotionally? How do they affect you physically? What impact do they have on your energy – do you feel tired and depleted afterwards, or do you feel recharged and inspired?

2.    Can you make a commitment to yourself to shift to more positive, supportive messages? Find messages that build your self-esteem, help you to trust yourself more fully, and encourage you to be compassionate with yourself. Some examples of positive messages (affirmations) are the following:

• I can do it.
• I am grateful to life for all that I have received and for all that I will receive.
• I am a unique and special person and am worthy of the respect of others.
• I am free to make my own choices and decisions.

Positive messages to yourself can make a difference in your day-to-day happiness, as well as helping you to achieve the things you want in life.

3.    Practice, practice, practice. Once you have found some positive messages that you are going to use, consciously repeat these messages at least 20 times a day, preferably out loud. Just like anything else, if you have not “used that muscle,” if you are not in the habit of being positive with yourself, it will feel very awkward and challenging at first. It can feel strange, fake, unnatural, belaboured, or dishonest. It is very normal to encounter resistance and scepticism. However, if you understand the importance of persisting, you will see progress.

The more you practice positive, supportive inner messages, the easier it will get – until one day it will seem totally natural to you. You will notice yourself being gentle, being encouraging, telling yourself that you can do it, and reassuring yourself.

As your positive and healthy inner messages grow, you may notice times of inner peace, the ability to slow down and take it easy, and greater acceptance of yourself and others. You are creating a healthy foundation on which to build healthy relationships and a sense of purpose and happiness.

Sample affirmations:

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. ~John Lubbock

Do you feel like you always give, give, give and never have time to recharge your batteries? Do everyone else’s needs take priority and, being last on the list, your needs never get addressed?

No one can fix this except you! You need to decide that your needs are important, and that you can’t keep giving if you are drained and worn out. Otherwise, by your actions, you may actually be giving other people the message that your needs don’t matter. Unless you place value on your needs and make a commitment to yourself, nothing will change.

There will be times in your life when you need to reassess your priorities for a period of time: if you have a new baby, if a family member is very ill, or if there is some kind of emergency that needs immediate attention. However, even in these situations, if you never get a break or a chance to rest, you will burn out.

How do you change this pattern of never taking care of yourself?

• Choose an activity that you really enjoy and that helps you feel positive about yourself. It doesn’t matter what the activity is or what other people think about it, as long as it nourishes you. Do you crave activities that are: challenging? affirming? relaxing? exciting? calming? Make a commitment to do at least one activity that you enjoy, and to do it as often as possible.

• Plan it into your week or it won’t happen. If you don’t schedule it, other things will crowd it out or it will just get lost in the demands of life. When it’s time, make yourself do it, even if the house is a mess and you are behind with the laundry. Don’t let everything else come first. If you have to, keep telling yourself that you are important and that taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of those you care about.

• Find a friend or partner who is supportive of you and who will hold you accountable to do the activity you have chosen. This may mean actually doing your chosen activity with your friend, or just letting them know that you plan to take time for yourself and asking them to be in touch to make sure you follow through. It is important that this is done in a caring and supportive way, not from someone who is critical or always telling you what you “should” be doing.

I truly believe that as you get better at taking care of yourself, you will be able to care for others in a more authentic and honest way. So… you are taking care of yourself and you are more able to be there for others in the process.
Take a deep breath, have fun, and enjoy!

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

Nelson Mandela (1918 – )

We all have messages inside us that either encourage us and build strength or discourage us and limit our abilities. As humans, we tend to give more weight to negative messages from others than we give to positive messages.

We easily tune in to negative, limiting messages (I can’t, I’m not smart enough, I’m not pretty enough – you know the ones) and hesitate to trust positive messages (I can do it, I will succeed, I’m worth it, I am a good person, I deserve to be happy). Even if the person who first told us we were not good enough has disappeared, the message can echo in our minds and beliefs for decades, often with great power.

For most of us it takes 5 positive messages to cancel the impact of 1 negative message. This means that envisioning positive messages is critical to feeling capable, and surrounding ourselves with positive people is the best way to reverse the effects of the “I can’t” mentality.

Try the following:
• For a day, choose a positive message such as “I can do it” and focus on that message at least 50 times throughout the day. Notice how it feels and whether it has impact on how you perform.
• Be aware of the positive people in your life, and make a commitment to spend more time with them.
• When you hear a negative message from someone, don’t take the message personally. Their negative message reflects their perspective, and it’s not actually about you. Take a few deep breaths, do something to relax yourself or calm yourself, and tell yourself that you are okay, you’re a good person, and you will not take what they say personally. If you must respond (e.g. to a supervisor at work) either find a support person or make sure that you feel okay about yourself and you are well grounded before you say anything.

Remember: You can do it, and you deserve to feel good about yourself!