It can be very painful when a relationship that was important to you ends. Perhaps you feel angry, betrayed, scared, frustrated, misunderstood, or sad. The pain often feels very intense. It may be accompanied by self-doubt, questioning, depression or anxiety. When you are feeling the pain, you might withdraw – or you might desperately search for someone else who can fill the gaping wound that seems to take over everything in your life.
Please remember that when trust has been broken, it takes time to heal. Give yourself time and space to grieve, to feel the loss and the pain and the anger. Healing cannot happen overnight, and the pain cannot be swept under the carpet. If you try to ignore it or deny it, it will surface in unexpected ways or unexpected places. Find safe places and safe people who are able to understand and respect your feelings and your pain. It takes time and compassion to regain your balance and move into a place of acceptance and peace.
How can you restore a positive sense of self after everything you have been through?
How do you regain your confidence and inner strength, so you can move on and trust someone else?
I have met many people who think of trust as an “all or nothing” proposition. Either I trust someone or I don’t trust them, right? While this may sound sensible, this way of thinking actually makes us more vulnerable. Healthy trust is built over time. Healthy trust needs time to grow and be “tested”. If we just give trust to someone without them earning it, we are giving away our personal power. We are no longer listening to our inner voice, the part that is watching out for us and working very hard to keep us safe.
It takes time to get to know another person. Are their actions consistent with their words? Do they follow through and do the things they say they will do? Are they able to take responsibility for their own actions? Are they willing to talk about conflict and about differences? Are they open to hear and consider others’ point of view? You need to be willing to take the time to listen, to pay attention to what your inner voice is telling you. Instead of “all or nothing”, you can gently let a relationship unfold, and stay connected to yourself in the process.
The bottom line is that the more you feel good about yourself and trust yourself, the more you will have the tools and the awareness to be in a safe and healthy relationship. The more you trust yourself, the more you can trust others in a healthy and open way. How does this work? It works like this: as you trust yourself, you will pay attention to when you feel safe and when you don’t feel safe. Your safety is no longer dependent on someone else making you feel safe, because you are tuned in to your own signals and your own intuition. You are able to speak out if something doesn’t feel right to you. You acknowledge your fears and concerns in the relationship. And if you do not feel safe, or if you always feel bad about yourself, you take responsibility to leave the relationship, because you know that you deserve positive, healthy relationships. Wow! What a freeing and healing place to live.
It is very possible to move on to healthier, happier and more fulfilling relationships. You will need to work hard to face your anger, your fear and your disappointment, but the results of your work will be so amazing that the journey is definitely worth it. And remember, if you don’t have the support you need to get through it, seek out someone who can help you. Don’t stay alone in the pain and the fear. Reach out and find others who understand and who can help you start on your journey of compassion and self awareness.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
~ Albert Schweitzer